Paralysis.

I initially started this blog to reflect on the stories I’ve experienced in life – to share all about the ups and downs. It’s been a minute since I’ve had time to write in this, but perhaps this entry will help in some form.

90% of the time, lately, I’m fine. The other 10% is not so great. I get anxiety so bad, that I freeze up in whatever I’m doing. This is usually when I need to leave the house in the morning. This mental paralysis then evolves into me beating myself up, and becoming fearful of leaving the house. This isn’t the first time I’ve had this symptom, but it sure has been a while since I had to deal with it. The usual result is nothing gets done, or I am very late to work.

When it happened before, I just stayed in: I did not work; I did not go to school. I simply stayed in, played video games, and smoked pot. Sometimes I only left the house to go to therapy, which I was always late to. Eventually, my hygiene became poor as well. What’s the point of showering if no one is going to see you? And then I won my disability case to receive social security every month. I was just hopeless and nonfunctional; I had given up completely.   

I cannot let that happen again. I have much too much to lose now. I just bought a house with my fiancé, and I’m getting married this fall. I love my job, and my coworkers, especially my boss – and I get killer benefits. It gets tricky when it comes to telling the truth as to why I’m late all the time. But for the most part, situationally, I’m happier than ever. Fucking symptoms.

I must keep pushing.  I must not beat myself up too much because that would be counterproductive. I must keep trying, and be positive.

Tomorrow is a new day.