Ah yes…
So some purists call medication a crutch. Yes, in theory they may be correct; it is an aid in achieving normalcy. Because the rest is up to the individual: the therapy, the lifestyle, finding the right level of support, etc.
Most people don’t truly like taking medication daily. Should they like it, then it somewhat ties into addiction, which is a whole other subject in itself. In the case of mental illness, for me, it’s a mandatory evil. Like I said previously, it’s like diabetics with their insulin. I’m not quite sure, however, if insulin comes with quite the side effects as mental health medications when taken properly. But taking it every single solitary day can add up in the hussle and bussle of everyday life. It’s extra maintenance, bottom line.
It’s unfortunate, though, that so many people try to do without it unsuccessfully. Those that can, my God, I am so fucking jealous. In most cases of the social stigma, it’s usually when someone tries to go off their medication or their medication has been poorly managed. An old acquaintance of mine, she was taking medication, and had almost had a picture-perfect life. She went off her meds for some reason, and before you know it, she’s in a news headline, is put in jail, then boot camp, and doesn’t see her kids for months. Compared to some, that’s getting off easy. The results can be tragic. So tell that to the purists.
I’ve been there myself; I pray that I’ve learned my lesson. When I’m unmedicated, or my medication isn’t working, it’s absolute torture. I develop psychosis, I can’t sleep, which makes me even worse off, and not to mention the severity of my “swings”. Last time, I almost died as a result of a near fatal overdose. So, lesson learned: not for me.
So, back on path, my journey… what did not work for me, and what did:
First and foremost was Ritalin. I had some issues with doing school work; I just couldn’t focus and I wasn’t motivated. I was in the 6th grade. The school refused to test me at my mother’s request. So I was tested privately, and diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, with issues of short-term memory and reading comprehension. I was put on Ritalin as a result. I do not believe in wonder drugs, but this was a difference in my academic ability like night and day. Suddenly, I was an honor roll student.
Prior to my second diagnosis, and after my first hospitalizations, I was put on your no-frills antidepressants. Zoloft and Prozac. With bipolar people, antidepressants alone crap out after a time without being used in conjunction with a mood stabilizer. So, thus, I exhausted them.
Then comes the bipolar diagnoses, and they plop on Depakote for a mood stabilizer. Depakote is an anti-seizure medication which is processed through the liver, so you have to get blood levels taken monthly to check your liver enzymes. How thrilling for a 15 year old!
So, my symptoms became more severe, and they introduced anti-psychotics. First was Zyprexa, which made me gain 30lbs. in 2 weeks and I still had symptoms. “Okay, let’s try Risperdal,” they said. I take it as told.
About a week later, I’m working my summer job at the borough hall; I’m at my desk and wearing a white top. A woman looks at me and says, “Hun, you must have spilled something on yourself.” I look down; I’m wet on my one breast. I wasn’t drinking anything, I was in air conditioning, and I had not been near a sink. What caused it? I go to the bathroom to try to dry myself, to find out… I’m lactating, from both breasts. Holy hell, are you kidding? This was a side-effect from none other than Risperdal.
Then it was Trilafon. Trilafon actually worked with little current side-effects. In the long run, it can affect your jaw adversely somehow; something my mother read up on. So needless to say, it wasn’t a forever med.
All the while, I was still taking Depakote. Every time I had an issue, it seemed they wanted to increase the Depakote. They increased it so much to the point that when I had my liver enzymes checked, my levels were toxic. And goodness, it may have just stopped my metabolism. I was so chubby and overweight from all the medication. As though I didn’t have enough problems. So they took me off of it.
For a while, my cocktail was: Neurontin, Wellbutrin, and a small dose of Seroquel; from my junior year in high school until my early twenties. It’s tough to say how effective this cocktail actually was. I was on and off self-medicating with various substances in this time period. When I was clean and sober, I did well though. Adderall was added in that mix in my senior year in high school. Needless to say, smoking a lot of pot wasn’t so good for my ADD, but did wonders for my anxiety.
Adderall addiction became a serious issue for me under a certain doctor I was seeing. I was taking 60mg of Adderall XR a day under her care. Apparently, 40mg is the legal limit. As sick as I was, I was so dependent on it. Turns out, it was really bad for my heart and gave me dangerously high blood pressure. Luckily, at this point in time, my blood pressure is back to normal.
I was put on a high dose of Lamictal after a breakdown; just after my high school graduation. The high dose in a small time period turned my brain to oatmeal, quite literally. Explaining this to a friend, I forgot how to spell “oatmeal”. So that didn’t work so well for me either.
I failed Lexapro as well. It made me tired and depressed, and made me not care.
Seroquel would make me “sleep eat” a lot. Once it was Reeses’ Pieces in bed while a friend of mine was staying with me. She kept picking them up off the bed as I kept going in the bag and shoveling them into my mouth unsuccessfully. I still remember feeling their nubs pressed between my bare calf and the mattress. My friend had thought she picked them all up, but boy, come morning, there were peanut butter smudges all over my white sheets.
“Sleep eating” became embarrassing, especially around my new boyfriend that I stayed with a lot. So I requested to be taken off it. That could’ve been a mistake. Because then, I struggled.
Sleep and I have always had a love/hate relationship. I took Benadryl for sleep as an adolescent. Now, Benadryl gives me awful nightmares. Ambien worked for sleep for a while, until my sleep disorders prevailed. All those goofy things you hear people doing on Ambien are completely true. I almost walked out of my apartment naked sleepwalking from Ambien; left cigarette burn holes everywhere, ate pure sugar from the sugar dispenser. Then I tried Lunesta. My insurance made it a bit unaffordable and it left a nasty metallic aftertaste in my mouth in the morning. I’ve tried low-grade benzodiazepines too. Ativan also made me sleepwalk: I thought my mood stabilizer was peanuts and I accidentally overdosed on them. My sleep is so important because without it, I’m so nonfunctional and straight up cranky.
Then there was Abilify. I did well with Abilify for short periods, but it made me gain even more weight than before. Should I decide to have kids, I may take it again during my pregnancy. Obviously, being off medication 100% is not for me.
One medication I will never try is Lithium. I don’t care what her holiness Kay Redfield Jamison says about it. I see it as a dated medication, which side effects seem to outweigh the pros; weight-gain and memory loss are not for me.
So what does work for me? My current cocktail is: Geodon with dinner, Wellbutrin in the morning, I only take some Adderall for work, and Klonopin on rare occasions.
As far as mood stabilizers go, I do the best with Geodon. It also has it’s pros and cons though. I need to take it with at least 300 calories, which is usually my dinner, for it to get processed and absorbed into my system. Since I also use it as a sleep aid, I have to eat my dinner by a certain time in order to get to sleep. If I don’t have carbs and fats in my dinner, I won’t fall asleep until later. I can feel the effect of Geodon somewhere between 30 minutes to 3 hours after I take it, which then it’s pretty sedating. I do not drive after I take it as a result. But with all that I’ve been through with medication, I’ll take it.
In conclusion, what did not work for me, may work for others, and vice versa. I don’t think this story reflects poorly on me as much as it does as psychiatrists, pharmaceutical companies, and the FDA. Medication is not the end-all be-all for one’s stability in mental health; it can, however, make you or break you… but it’s role is more than a crutch.
Stigma Free Adventures 